Spring Cleaning (from the inside out)
How we do one thing is how we do most things is a quote at which I used to roll my eyes.
As I’ve studied, practiced, and taught deeper levels of self-care, I now wholeheartedly believe this quote about human behavior to be true. And it’s not because we are lazy or unorganized or dumb.
It’s because we have a brain that views change as a threat. No matter how small or positive that change may be. Even if that change is to help us become healthier, happier, and wiser.
Or more organized.
Have you ever watched yourself do something that bothers you about yourself? But you do it anyway?
I had one of those out-of-body-watching-myself moments recently.
I moved a pile of ‘stuff’ (mail, papers, cards, school notices) from the counter in the kitchen to the 3rd step on the stairs that lead to the upper floor of our house. It had been sitting on the counter for a week or so and I felt somewhat accomplished by moving it to the stairs.
A few minutes later, as I made my way up the stairs, I grabbed the pile feeling proud that I was moving it twice in one day and not letting it sit on the stairs for another week.
I walked into my office and plopped the handful of papers down on top of another pile of papers.
And there it sits. Weeks later. A pile of miscellaneous paper items that keeps growing higher like something out of a Shel Silverstein poem. And it bothers me more and more lately.
But how we do one thing is how we do most things can also work for us too.
Recently, a client of mine shared a before and after picture of her kitchen pantry and closet.
She had this strong pull to clean out her drawers, cupboards and closets; to let go of things that she no longer used or needed. It came at a time when she was also re-organizing and decluttering her health habits. Her goal was to shed some weight she had been holding onto, as well as feel lighter and ‘cleaner’.
Her after photo could've been used for a Marie Kondo book promotion. All of the pots and pans and containers were lined up and organized by size and shape. Her closets now had more space and room for her clothes to hang.
The photos mirrored the lightness that was entering her life in more ways than just her home spaces. She was also giving her brain space, and as she released some of the weight her body was holding, her whole being became lighter.
I felt so happy for her.
So why is it so hard (for me) to go through a small pile of papers and put them away?
Sometimes, my brain believes there are too many decisions to make at once, and it follows the easiest route: make another pile.
It’s a habit of postponement. Or procrastination. Procrastination is a short-term solution to my overwhelm.
And because I also judge myself over a pile of papers not being sorted, filed and discarded, shame and self criticism jump on board for the ride too. Which is not a successful motivator for change.
That’s why so many fast weight loss plans are not sustainable. Our brains are not given a chance to adjust and trust the shifts we are making. So it will start resisting the change with self criticism and doubt.
It’s because any change, even if it's for our good, is viewed as threatening to our ego brain.
It will ‘protect’ us by using any thoughts that will convince us to not try something different; even if it's healthy and will make our lives better. And shame and self criticism are a fast way to shut that beautiful change down.
Decluttering helps our brains. Research shows that disorganization and clutter have a cumulative effect on our brains. It drains our brain. And reduces our ability to focus which then reduces the ability to reach our goals.
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I’m really tired of my paper piles. They represent a habit that no longer works for me and the way I want to live inside and out.
And…where else in my life am I ‘making more piles?’; procrastinating and postponing?
So I am asking for help from people who know how to manage their paper piles and their thoughts around them. And I am determined to start being kinder to myself about it. It seems counterintuitive. But the other way has not produced the results I want.
What I really want is the freedom from procrastination and overwhelm. And if learning how to shed my habit of making paper piles all over the house, then this is where I will start.
Coffee Breath(s) & Morning Routines
A few decades ago, there was a hot new ‘self-help’ book hitting the shelves called “The Artist’s Way”. I resisted doing the Artist’s Way for years. While it intrigued my passion for self-improvement and seemed like it would be fun….
…I was (over) dramatically opposed to the main exercise it suggested doing daily: writing morning pages.
Morning pages are three pages of longhand, stream of consciousness writing done first thing in the morning. The suggestion is to write 3 full notebook pages every morning for 30 days in a row.
Whaaat?? Thirty days? In a row?
I was well into my 30’s when a close group of girlfriends suggested we do the Artist's Way course together. My desire to experience the many creative and fun prompts finally outweighed my resistance to that one ‘morning pages’ exercise I dreaded.
The rebellious teenager in me purposely bought a 4” x 6” journal to use instead of the standard 8.5” x 11” spiral notebook that was suggested, as if it was some kind of punishment I was given instead of a free will choice to liberate my consciousness.
Looking back at my younger self who was filled with so much fear and some defiance, I offer her more compassion now.
Like most people, I resisted writing back then because I was afraid of what I might discover about myself. It was uncomfortable to sit still with me; with who I was in that current moment. If I started writing, I was afraid it might open up the floodgate of emotions and the possibility that I could make changes; that I had choices. And, that I was not a victim to the challenges of my life.
Change can be scary. It was for me then. It still can be scary even now.
Those morning pages did not turn out to be the horror movie I was afraid to peek through my fingers and look at. It was more like watching a rom-com about a young woman rediscovering her creativity and the many colors life has to offer, instead of just a black and white palette.
Writing those stream of consciousness thoughts on a daily basis (even if some days they were “I have nothing to write today, I have nothing to write today”) were the beginnings of a beautiful 20-year relationship I now have with myself and my morning routine.
Those 30 minutes every morning gifted me:
Time to be quiet and dump my brain that had filled up while I was sleeping
Space to be still before the day became busy
A chance to connect with my heart
Time to connect with God and my creativity
Create Your Morning Routine
Today my morning routine looks a little different. I still wake up before everyone, take a few minutes to stretch, let the dog out to pee, and get my cup of coffee. But a few years back I felt this nudge to work on my mindset. My cynicism and negativity were on the rise and my motivation dropped as I entered a new phase of life with new challenges. Some of my self care tools needed a refresh.
A friend suggested I read, Make Miracles in 40 Days, by Melodie Beattie. I had loved some of her other books, so I ordered it right away.
Again, just like the morning pages, I was resistant to the daily practice it suggested: writing a gratitude list of 10 things for which I am grateful. And sharing it with a trusted friend without feedback.
This time, I didn't wait 10 years to try it.
Instead of writing morning pages for 30 days with a group, it suggested writing a gratitude list for 6 weeks with one friend with whom you share it.
And I am grateful to say, we are currently on day 670 of sharing our gratitude lists with one another.
The benefits I have experienced with the gratitude list are similar to the morning pages, with the bonus of rewiring my brain/mindset towards a more positive outlook and attitude towards my life and relationships with the people I love.
Today, when I coach my clients on their health and wellness goals, one of the first tools we talk about is their morning routine. Do they have one? What is it? Is it working for them or against them? Do they miss it when they don’t do it?
With her permission, I want to share a morning routine one of my coaching clients recently started:
“I call it my coffee breaths”, she told me with a sly smile, wondering if I caught the wordplay.
I couldn’t stop laughing. That was the greatest name for a sacred morning routine I ever heard.
“Instead of continuing to binge watch a Netflix show or scroll through my phone before work, I take my coffee to my favorite chair and look out my window and pay attention to my breathing.”
Voila! A simple habit that adds so much science backed benefits to her day AND has a great name! Moments like this are why I love my clients! The sense of humor and creativity that I get to experience is one of the bonuses of our work together.
The key to a great morning routine for both myself and my clients: pick specific routines that will prep you for the day you want to have.
Here’s a small list of some other amazing ideas that you might sprinkle into your current morning routine:
When you open the blinds, stand still for a moment and observe the natural world.
Indulge in high-quality tea or coffee. A little luxury to start the day never hurt anyone.
Feel a burning need to check your emails, news, or socials? Set a timer for 5 minutes.
Drink a glass of water to rehydrate your body after a night’s sleep.
Need an extra boost of energy to meet the demands of the day? Turn on some music and let it move you.
The greatest satisfaction I’ve received from practicing a morning routine is the calm, peaceful sense of wellbeing that going inward offers, before I move outward to the tasks and responsibilities of the day ahead.
Your morning routine is a deeply personal thing. I’ve had 20 years to work on mine, and I work with clients every day who are still fine-tuning theirs.
If you’d like, take a look at how we can create a beautiful, unique morning routine that fits you and your amazing life.
The Journey from Fitness Trainer to Wellness Coach
“You are the cheapest therapist I’ve ever had!”
I used to hear this a lot throughout growing my 15 year business as a fitness trainer. I loved it. My ego loved it. I took it as a compliment even though I was their personal trainer, not their therapist. I felt like I was helping my clients way beyond pushing bicep curls and lunges.
But let me be clear: I’m not a therapist now nor was I then. I did not put in the many years of training and education and financial commitment it takes to become one.
However, I have spent over three decades learning, practicing and earning certifications in many modalities that have added to my value as an exercise physiologist—
Kinesiology, EFT, Gestalt, 12 step recovery, trauma healing, intuitive arts, and breathwork.
I used to think the pile of ‘self help’ books and courses on my nightstand meant there was something wrong with me. Now I understand it’s an innate passion to understand human behavior and how we grow and evolve.
This passion is what created the space for my clients to be honest during their workouts. I asked questions and practiced deep listening as I led my clients through workouts. Together we moved their focus from the negative thoughts they might have before and during workouts.
“I hate to sweat”
“I feel like I’m going to pass out”
“I’m going to be so sore tomorrow”
and the most common…
“I hate exercising”.
It also created a space when at times, without consciously knowing it, they were connecting to their emotional and spiritual being, as well as to their physical body.
Even though it was the physical they thought they wanted to improve, this new connection to their emotional, mental and spiritual wellness provided solutions to the challenges they had come to me to help fix through their bodies.
And it was so exciting to watch/witness.
It’s why I eventually shifted the business I built for over 15 years as a fitness trainer and became a women’s wellness coach.
While working out with my clients, I started connecting the dots of whole wellness and incorporating concepts and practices that I hadn’t learned in my Masters in Exercise Physiology program.
I began to understand that how we do one thing in our lives, we do most things. I coached my clients to connect to relationships, situations, and things in their lives that were no longer useful; like holding onto extra body weight. They also started understanding how their thoughts create their emotions and how that affects their eating, drinking, mental health, etc. Releasing weight was now not only about less calories in, and more energy out. It was also about looking at habits, patterns and beliefs too.
As a personal trainer, I was hired to primarily help women get in shape and lose weight; to concentrate on the outside only. And for many years, it worked. I grew up believing in the slogan, No Pain, No Gain and I lived it. But something inside of me started pulling me to go deeper; to work the whole person, not just the body.
My clients were not the only ones connecting the dots around the link between their body, mind, and spirit. I too started having a lot of aha’s moments.
I had been a competitive athlete from 12 years old to when I ‘retired’ at 22.
And… I kept pushing my body well into my early 40’s as if I was still competing, until my body couldn't perform for me any more. My joints hurt, my blood panel came back pre-diabetic, and my Cortisol levels were crazy high. I looked like I was in ‘great shape’. My body was a billboard for my business, yet it was suffering. And so was my mental and emotional health too.
Through my own inner work, and diving deep into many whole health modalities, I began to understand that I was using my body as a way to feel a sense of control where I didn’t in other areas of my life. My limiting belief was: If I can control my body and it looks ok…everything else will be ok too.
I started feeling like a fraud as a professional. For years I promoted health and fitness as I fearfully overworked and under rested. I felt depleted. Successful on the outside. Exhausted on the inside.
I was not walking my talk. And it was becoming less fulfilling to concentrate solely on the physical wellbeing of myself and my clients.
My own inner voice went from a whisper, “slow down’ to a scream, “STOP!”. My body went into protective mode and injuries began to call the shots. So I stopped.
I stopped running (literally and figuratively). I started working on balancing out my whole self and taking the intense attention off of my body and what it could do for me lately.
Unlike all of the messages we get about quick weight loss and fast results from the millions of products out there (especially at this time of the year), the approach I now live and coach is sustainable wellness. Fast doesn’t last. We didn’t get where we are overnight, nor are we going to get where we want to be overnight. I had to stop buying into old messages we are taught, especially as women, and embody and coach on those ideals that support and sustain us:
I am not broken. My intention is to live in balance; mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I can trust myself. All of the answers are inside of me and with some guidance and resources, I can learn to access them at any time.
I am grateful for my body and all it does for me. My body is always working for me, never against me.
Self Care is not selfish. It is a necessary and empowering way of life.
I never believed I could truly love my body and all of the rest of me the way I do now. I thought the fuel that powered me to reach my hopes and dreams was a mixture of critical self talk, pushing hard, saying yes to more, and taking it out on my body if things weren't working out the way I wanted. What I know now is the most ‘fuel efficient’ way to grow and thrive is through self love, balance, and conscious living. That means slowing down, being true to myself, and honoring the unique self care program that is right for me.
I love the work I do helping women love their WHOLE selves. I truly believe the shifts we make inward towards love and deep care of ourselves will shift the energy of the world.
If any of this is speaking to you and you want more info on HOW to do it, please reach out.
Working with women who are finally ready to stop off the hamster wheel of external fitness and start their journey to internal wellness is my truest calling in life. Send me a message, email, smoke signal, or just fill out this short form, and let’s schedule your complimentary 30 minute call.
The Magic of Women in Community
You’re not lost. You're just losing who you have been…in big chunks. –Brenda K.
Her words hit me in the gut. Not because I was offended or hurt by them. But because they were so true and right on time for me to hear. I knew she was right. I just didn't know what to do about it.
I realized later that I was hitting what I call another ‘growth spurt’. But this time I was in my 50’s. My body was changing, my friendships were shifting, many of the things I did for fun no longer felt fun (going out to trendy restaurants with 9 pm reso’s).
I felt like I didn't know some parts of who I was anymore. Nor did I know who I was becoming.
I felt lost.
The formula I had used to feel fulfilled and successful as a young woman, student, friend, wife and mother was no longer working.
For the first part of life, many of us tend to follow a path that is not solely our own. It helps us create an identity and a personality that allows us to be in relationship with others and to survive.
That path usually, but not always, includes schooling, career, cultural and social expectations. And many of us check off those boxes and are motivated by the fulfillment, celebration and accolades they bring.
But then, there is this invisible line that we seem to cross somewhere in midlife. Where the outside accomplishments don't seem to fill us up anymore or feel as satisfying.
The path I had followed and believed was the only one available for a happy life, started to disappear as the path that was more authentic to me was starting to develop.
I started craving and longing for things that were different than my younger years:
Community of women who were feeling the same way
A desire for deeper conversations, not just surface talk
Slowing down but not sure how to do it and still feel ‘successful’ at life
The ability to say no to people places and things that no longer brought me joy or fulfillment
Courage and support to be true to myself over people pleasing and being liked.
To love my body and appreciate it instead of pushing and criticizing it.
I had been a part of women’s groups throughout my life: support groups, masterminds, sports teams, clubs, parent groups. And most of the time I loved the camaraderie, the chance to connect and support one another. It depended on why we were in the group in the first place, but most of the time, they filled me up.
A few years ago the strong pull I had to create a women's group based on self care and wellness would not subside.
I kept hearing the line from the movie, Field of Dreams, “If you build it, they will come”.
So… I built a Women's Self Care Circle. And one turned into many over the past few years.
They have been an amazing experience to watch and cultivate.
There is a magic that is created when women come together and share their stories. Connection is born and isolation diminishes. Solutions and support materialize from listening and sharing stories
Women who joined the self care circles looked like a light was turned back on in their souls,
The Self Care Circles help to
develop consistent wellness habits
feel more energized and hopeful
lower and/or eliminate guilt about taking care of ourselves first.
improve self esteem
feel connected to others and not feel alone
I'm so excited to open up the doors to another self-care circle!
After facilitating several of these circles last year, I learned just how much transformation can evolve from an 8 week journey through topics of health, wellness, and spirituality. This time is no different (in fact, I think it’s going to be even better than before).
If you want to be first in line to grab your ticket, go join the waitlist!
Elephants and Ants | Halt the Holiday Chaos
I forgot to H.A.L.T.
Have you ever heard the expression: ‘It’s not the elephant in the room, it’s the ants in the kitchen that send you over the edge’?
It ‘happened’ to me the other day.
Nothing huge like a death, job loss, or accident took me to the place where I screamed alone in my car until my neck veins popped.
I hit my too-many-ants-in-the-kitchen-melting-point. Multiple small annoyances, mini disappointments, and jarring frustrations added up over the day led to my car tantrum.
Earlier that morning, I drank two cups of coffee and skipped eating anything besides a banana. I shoved a bite of a cold leftover turkey burger in my mouth as I unloaded groceries and took the dog out to pee. I washed it down with the glass of juice my son hadn’t finished that morning then raced upstairs to change to be at a work meeting 30 miles away in Atlanta traffic. As I was about to leave the house, the UPS guy rang the doorbell which freaked out my dog, who I tripped over on the way to get the package. On my drive to the meeting, the lunatic speeding down the highway, weaving in and out of lanes in between cars, caused a bunch of us to slam on our brakes. No one crashed, but I could feel my legs shaking as traffic started to flow again. I arrived at my meeting and received a text that the person I was to meet had an unexpected delay and needed to reschedule.
That’s when I got back in my car and let my vocal chords try to shatter glass. I was pissed. And I was hungry and tired too.
After my epic scream, my eyes dropped a few tears that sometimes brought a little more relief. And then I realized what I had forgotten to do:
H.A.L.T.
It’s one of my go-to tools to keep my nervous system regulated, and my emotions in a non-melt down range. It helps me get through the day without it feeling like I’ve been on a roller coaster ride, and more like I’ve taken a gentle sail around a lake.
It’s a mini-map that helps me check in with myself.
Am I: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? Or a combo of these?
Think of it like an if-then chart.
If I am hungry, then what can I feed my body that will sustain me and help it to perform the many tasks I ask it to do in a day.
Am I angry? About what? At whom? Am I not getting what I want or did I not ask for what I needed?
Do I feel lonely or low? Am I disappointed? What can I give myself that I am wanting to get from someone else?
If I’m tired, how can I energize my body, mind, and spirit a little bit right now? Can I take a 20-minute power nap? Or go outside and walk for 10 minutes? Or put on some good music and have a little dance party for one?
Just like brushing my teeth or making my bed, H.A.L.T. has become more of a habit than a go-to when I need it. It’s also a reminder (when I haven’t used it before the ants come marching In) of the self-care I may have missed that day. And how I can start my day over even if it’s not even noon yet.
The days that feel like I’m on a herky jerky roller coaster ride have been reduced. The apologies, exhaustion, and self-loathing have drastically lessened.
Like most habits, it will take time to integrate this tool into your life. But I know over time that these few simple questions will help to calm your nervous system and keep you sailing smoothly through the day.
If you want a bit more insight into how H.A.L.T. can help you strengthen your emotional health this holiday season, I want to invite you to join me in a free masterclass coming up this Thursday 12/9.
During this 90-minute event, we'll cover the characteristics of an emotionally healthy person, the best way to build awareness and acceptance of your feelings (especially in stressful times), and how to add a new tool to your emotional toolbox.
Join a (virtual) room full of women who have been, or are, in the exact same place as you: struggling to keep all the plates spinning while wondering when the holidays started to feel more manic and less magical.
Beautiful Holiday Surprises
Have you ever felt deep in your heart that you need to make a change, or simplify something in your life that will boost your emotional and mental health? But the fear of upsetting the proverbial apple cart (other people) is too much to face?
What about during holidays - commonly viewed as one of the most emotionally stressful times of the year?
But if you try sometimes,
You just might find,
You get what you need.
--The Rolling Stones
Have you ever felt deep in your heart that you need to make a change, or simplify something in your life that will boost your emotional and mental health? But the fear of upsetting the proverbial apple cart (other people) is too much to face?
What about during holidays - commonly viewed as one of the most emotionally stressful times of the year?
It’s a season when some of us can get caught up in “other-ness”. As mothers, daughters, bosses, partners, friends, and neighbors, we can so easily believe that it is our responsibility to create everyone else’s happiness.
This emotional confusion builds like a nightmare pressure cooker until it is no longer ‘the most wonderful time of the year.’
There are times though, when what I call a beautiful surprise happens and shows me how it can be different, despite my fears of change and disappointing others.
Take for example, the last holiday season in 2020.
It was the first time my little tripod family (Me, John & Tate) would not be with cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles for both winter holidays. And... I got Covid the week before Christmas. Thankfully, it was a mild case and John & Tate didn’t catch it. But it added to the emotional rollercoaster I was already on.
Even before I caught Covid, my mind was future tripping like crazy:
“This holiday is going to suck”
“How can this even feel like a holiday?--everything is different”
“What are we going to do with all of this downtime?”
My brain pinballed between worry, frustration, sadness, self-pity, and the big one: HOW CAN I FIX THIS?
The irony of those negative emotional gymnastics is that I forgot about all of the past holiday seasons when I wanted less stress, and more peace.
Like me, you have probably spent a few wishes on things like…
Taking time during the holidays to catch up on sleep or read a book or watch a movie?
Feeling less pressure about making everything special and hoping everyone will be happy?
Taking a few things off the traditions list that you wouldn’t miss?
Coming out of the holiday season feeling energized rather than depleted?
Guess what? Sometimes....you get what you need.
I will never be grateful for the pandemic - it has brought pain, hardship, and loss to more people than I will ever know. The story of a human life is full of darkness and light. And in the relative darkness of the 2020 holiday season, I found a beautiful surprise.
I was given the chance to feel the emotional, spiritual and physical benefits of simplifying the holidays without any of the guilt, shame and distress that comes with people pleasing and overdoing.
I was given a chance to feel into and practice doing something different. I would usually feel so uncomfortable at the thought of disappointing others that I would not have the courage to make the change.
Let's face it… Thanksgiving, Christmas and Hanukkah - no matter what your beliefs, culture or traditions - can be stuffed with historical, ancestral and social expectations; from others and ourselves.
It’s hard to break tradition even if it would benefit our health, wealth, and wellbeing. Not to mention, the relationships with the ones we most love.
What will they think if I don’t (exchange gifts, make a turkey, decorate, send cards) this year?
Will my kid(s) be disappointed if we don’t make the house look like Santaland?
Will I be able to handle my own feelings if I don’t say yes?
Last year gave me a taste of some of that freedom.
But what happens when we don't get the ‘gift’ of a worldwide pandemic?
Is it even possible to make the changes we know will benefit our emotional wellbeing without the whole world on pause - like it was in 2020?
It is possible---if you know HOW.
This is what guided me through:
Honest. Open. Willing.
Honest with yourself about what you absolutely want to do. What feels fun? What is something new you’ve been wanting to do? What have you outgrown or has weighed you down in the past? And what do you dread doing for another year? Build 20 minutes each day to get quiet and listen to your body as you go down your list. Does your stomach or chest tighten or do your shoulders relax and your jaw loosen?
Open to finding the gray. Sometimes it seems like the answer is to swing to the opposite side--Grinch-style “there will be NO presents!”- by wiping everything off the list. But you may cause more anxiety and stress for yourself by changing everything at once rather than starting out with a few heart centered shifts to your traditions list.
Here’s one of mine: Instead of coming up with some grand fitness plan or food plan (which for me, rarely lasts past the first week), or saying, “screw it, I’m going to eat, drink, and be as merry as I want this holiday”... I am committing to walk 3 times each week. And I asked a friend to be my accountability partner. We text each other when we are done. There’s my gray. Something is better than nothing. And I will let that be enough.
Willing to let go of your expectations. Not just the Hallmark ones, but also the negative, scary thoughts that you will be judged and rejected if you honor yourself. The truth is… most everyone is dealing with similar self expectations. There's really not enough time for the self-criticism that comes so naturally to us. Are you willing to listen to your heart rather than the fear in your head?
This is what my HOW is going to look this year:
I’m going to take my social media apps off my phone for the holiday. I can still access them, but I’ll have to go onto the computer. It won't be as easy for me to get into ‘comparisonitis’.
I will schedule three things between now and new years that will really make me happy this season.
I’ll get clear on my WHY (am I choosing this)-- because I don't want to disappoint or because it's fun and part of my creative outlet? Or is this a season of my life where simple feels better- so I can clean out my holiday closet and give some stuff away?
And then find my gray.
Drop me a DM or comment below to share what wins your shooting for this holiday season.
We can do this.
I’m rooting for you!!!!