The Magic of Women in Community

You’re not lost. You're just losing who you have been…in big chunks. –Brenda K.

Her words hit me in the gut. Not because I was offended or hurt by them. But because they were so true and right on time for me to hear. I knew she was right. I just didn't know what to do about it.

I realized later that I was hitting what I call another ‘growth spurt’. But this time I was in my 50’s. My body was changing, my friendships were shifting, many of the things I did for fun no longer felt fun (going out to trendy restaurants with 9 pm reso’s).

I felt like I didn't know some parts of who I was anymore. Nor did I know who I was becoming.

I felt lost.

The formula I had used to feel fulfilled and successful as a young woman, student, friend, wife and mother was no longer working.

For the first part of life, many of us tend to follow a path that is not solely our own. It helps us create an identity and a personality that allows us to be in relationship with others and to survive.

That path usually, but not always, includes schooling, career, cultural and social expectations. And many of us check off those boxes and are motivated by the fulfillment, celebration and accolades they bring.

But then, there is this invisible line that we seem to cross somewhere in midlife. Where the outside accomplishments don't seem to fill us up anymore or feel as satisfying.

The path I had followed and believed was the only one available for a happy life, started to disappear as the path that was more authentic to me was starting to develop.

I started craving and longing for things that were different than my younger years:

• Community of women who were feeling the same way

• A desire for deeper conversations, not just surface talk

• Slowing down but not sure how to do it and still feel ‘successful’ at life

• The ability to say no to people places and things that no longer brought me joy or fulfillment

• Courage and support to be true to myself over people pleasing and being liked.

• To love my body and appreciate it instead of pushing and criticizing it.

I had been a part of women’s groups throughout my life: support groups, masterminds, sports teams, clubs, parent groups. And most of the time I loved the camaraderie, the chance to connect and support one another. It depended on why we were in the group in the first place, but most of the time, they filled me up.

A few years ago the strong pull I had to create a women's group based on self care and wellness would not subside.

I kept hearing the line from the movie, Field of Dreams, “If you build it, they will come”.

So… I built a Women's Self Care Circle. And one turned into many over the past few years.

They have been an amazing experience to watch and cultivate.

There is a magic that is created when women come together and share their stories. Connection is born and isolation diminishes. Solutions and support materialize from listening and sharing stories

Women who joined the self care circles looked like a light was turned back on in their souls,

The Self Care Circles help to

• develop consistent wellness habits

• feel more energized and hopeful

• lower and/or eliminate guilt about taking care of ourselves first.

• improve self esteem

• feel connected to others and not feel alone

I'm so excited to open up the doors to another self-care circle!

After facilitating several of these circles last year, I learned just how much transformation can evolve from an 8 week journey through topics of health, wellness, and spirituality. This time is no different (in fact, I think it’s going to be even better than before).

If you want to be first in line to grab your ticket, go join the waitlist!

Elephants and Ants | Halt the Holiday Chaos

I forgot to H.A.L.T.

Have you ever heard the expression: ‘It’s not the elephant in the room, it’s the ants in the kitchen that send you over the edge’? 

It ‘happened’ to me the other day. 

Nothing huge like a death, job loss, or accident took me to the place where I screamed alone in my car until my neck veins popped.

I hit my too-many-ants-in-the-kitchen-melting-point. Multiple small annoyances, mini disappointments, and jarring frustrations added up over the day led to my car tantrum. 

Earlier that morning, I drank two cups of coffee and skipped eating anything besides a banana. I shoved a bite of a cold leftover turkey burger in my mouth as I unloaded groceries and took the dog out to pee. I washed it down with the glass of juice my son hadn’t finished that morning then raced upstairs to change to be at a work meeting 30 miles away in Atlanta traffic. As I was about to leave the house, the UPS guy rang the doorbell which freaked out my dog, who I tripped over on the way to get the package. On my drive to the meeting, the lunatic speeding down the highway, weaving in and out of lanes in between cars, caused a bunch of us to slam on our brakes. No one crashed, but I could feel my legs shaking as traffic started to flow again. I arrived at my meeting and received a text that the person I was to meet had an unexpected delay and needed to reschedule. 

That’s when I got back in my car and let my vocal chords try to shatter glass. I was pissed. And I was hungry and tired too.

After my epic scream, my eyes dropped a few tears that sometimes brought a little more relief. And then I realized what I had forgotten to do: 

H.A.L.T.

It’s one of my go-to tools to keep my nervous system regulated, and my emotions in a non-melt down range. It helps me get through the day without it feeling like I’ve been on a roller coaster ride, and more like I’ve taken a gentle sail around a lake. 

It’s a mini-map that helps me check in with myself. 

Am I: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? Or a combo of these?

Think of it like an if-then chart.

If I am hungry, then what can I feed my body that will sustain me and help it to perform the many tasks I ask it to do in a day.

Am I angry? About what? At whom? Am I not getting what I want or did I not ask for what I needed?

Do I feel lonely or low? Am I disappointed? What can I give myself that I am wanting to get from someone else?

If I’m tired, how can I energize my body, mind, and spirit a little bit right now? Can I take a 20-minute power nap? Or go outside and walk for 10 minutes? Or put on some good music and have a little dance party for one?

Just like brushing my teeth or making my bed, H.A.L.T. has become more of a habit than a go-to when I need it. It’s also a reminder (when I haven’t used it before the ants come marching In) of the self-care I may have missed that day. And how I can start my day over even if it’s not even noon yet. 

The days that feel like I’m on a herky jerky roller coaster ride have been reduced. The apologies, exhaustion, and self-loathing have drastically lessened.

Like most habits, it will take time to integrate this tool into your life. But I know over time that these few simple questions will help to calm your nervous system and keep you sailing smoothly through the day.

If you want a bit more insight into how H.A.L.T. can help you strengthen your emotional health this holiday season, I want to invite you to join me in a free masterclass coming up this Thursday 12/9.

During this 90-minute event, we'll cover the characteristics of an emotionally healthy person, the best way to build awareness and acceptance of your feelings (especially in stressful times), and how to add a new tool to your emotional toolbox.

Join a (virtual) room full of women who have been, or are, in the exact same place as you: struggling to keep all the plates spinning while wondering when the holidays started to feel more manic and less magical.

Beautiful Holiday Surprises

But if you try sometimes,

You just might find,

You get what you need.  

--The Rolling Stones

Have you ever felt deep in your heart that you need to make a change, or simplify something in your life that will boost your emotional and mental health? But the fear of upsetting the proverbial apple cart (other people) is too much to face? 

What about during holidays - commonly viewed as one of the most emotionally stressful  times of the year?

It’s a season when some of us can get caught up in “other-ness”. As mothers, daughters, bosses, partners, friends, and neighbors, we can so easily believe that it is our responsibility to create everyone else’s happiness.

This emotional confusion builds like a nightmare pressure cooker until it is no longer  ‘the most wonderful time of the year.’

There are times though, when what I call a beautiful surprise happens and shows me how it can be different, despite my fears of change and disappointing others. 

Take for example, the last holiday season in 2020. 

It was the first time my little tripod family (Me, John & Tate) would not be with cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles for both winter holidays.  And... I got Covid the week before Christmas. Thankfully, it was a mild case and John & Tate didn’t catch it. But it added to the emotional rollercoaster I was already on.

Even before I caught Covid, my mind was future tripping like crazy:

“This holiday is going to suck”

“How can this even feel like a holiday?--everything is different”

“What are we going to do with all of this downtime?”   

My brain pinballed between worry, frustration, sadness, self-pity, and the big one:  HOW CAN I FIX THIS?

The irony of those negative emotional gymnastics is that I forgot about all of the past holiday seasons when I wanted less stress, and more peace.

Like me, you have probably spent a few wishes on things like…

• Taking time during the holidays to catch up on sleep or read a book or watch a movie?

• Feeling less pressure about making everything special and hoping everyone will be happy?

• Taking a few things off the traditions list that you wouldn’t miss?

• Coming out of the holiday season feeling energized rather than depleted?

Guess what? Sometimes....you get what you need.

I will never be grateful for the pandemic - it has brought pain, hardship, and loss to more people than I will ever know. The story of a human life is full of darkness and light. And in the relative darkness of the 2020 holiday season, I found a beautiful surprise.

I was given the chance to feel the emotional, spiritual and physical benefits of simplifying the holidays without any of the guilt, shame and distress that comes with people pleasing and overdoing.

I was given a chance to feel into and practice doing something different. I would usually feel so uncomfortable at the thought of disappointing others that I would not have the courage to make the change. 

Let's face it… Thanksgiving, Christmas and Hanukkah - no matter what your beliefs, culture or traditions - can be stuffed with historical, ancestral and social expectations; from others and ourselves.

It’s hard to break tradition even if it would benefit our health, wealth, and wellbeing. Not to mention, the relationships with the ones we most love. 

What will they think if I don’t (exchange gifts, make a turkey, decorate, send cards) this year? 

Will my kid(s) be disappointed if we don’t make the house look like Santaland? 

Will I be able to handle my own feelings if I don’t say yes?

Last year gave me a taste of some of that freedom.

But what happens when we don't get the ‘gift’ of a worldwide pandemic?

Is it even possible to make the changes we know will benefit our emotional wellbeing without the whole world on pause - like it was in 2020? 

It is possible---if you know HOW.

This is what guided me through:

Honest. Open. Willing.

Honest with yourself about what you absolutely want to do. What feels fun? What is something new you’ve been wanting to do? What have you outgrown or has weighed you down in the past? And what do you dread doing for another year? Build 20 minutes each day to get quiet and listen to your body as you go down your list. Does your stomach or chest tighten or do your shoulders relax and your jaw loosen?

Open to finding the gray. Sometimes it seems like the answer is to swing to the opposite side--Grinch-style “there will be NO presents!”- by wiping everything off the list. But you may cause more anxiety and stress for yourself by changing everything at once rather than starting out with a few heart centered shifts to your traditions list. 

Here’s one of mine:  Instead of coming up with some grand fitness plan or food plan (which for me, rarely lasts past the first week), or saying, “screw it, I’m going to eat, drink, and be as merry as I want this holiday”... I am committing to walk 3 times each week. And I asked a friend to be my accountability partner. We text each other when we are done. There’s my gray. Something is better than nothing. And I will let that be enough.

Willing to let go of your expectations. Not just the Hallmark ones, but also the negative, scary thoughts that you will be judged and rejected if you honor yourself. The truth is… most everyone is dealing with similar self expectations. There's really not enough time for the self-criticism that comes so naturally to us.  Are you willing to listen to your heart rather than the fear in your head?

This is what my HOW is going to look this year:

1. I’m going to take my social media apps off my phone for the holiday. I can still access them, but I’ll have to go onto the computer. It won't be as easy for me to get into ‘comparisonitis’.

2. I will schedule three things between now and new years that will really make me happy this season.

3. I’ll get clear on my WHY (am I choosing this)-- because I don't want to disappoint or because it's fun and part of my creative outlet? Or is this a season of my life where simple feels better- so I can clean out my holiday closet and give some stuff away? 

And then find my gray. 

Drop me a DM or comment below to share what wins your shooting for this holiday season.

We can do this.

I’m rooting for you!!!!